These are reviews of all my favorite (and a few less than favorite)
sex-related non-fiction books: true stories, essays examining some topic,
and straightforward instruction. I get a commission if you buy them
through Powell's
(or Toys in
Babeland for those available there), but I'd recommend these books no
matter where you want to buy them.
These books aren't fiction, but they're not how-to books, which make up
most of the sex-related non-fiction. Most of them might be classified as
biographical essays, but the people who wrote them have really interesting
lives.
Susie Bright
Every book Susie
Bright has completely written herself is in this apartment. We
haven't got everything she's edited -- yet. These are collections of
magazine columns from such sources as the lesbian porn magazine On Our
Backs to the online Salon.
Susie
Sexpert's Lesbian Sex World, 1990. This started out in 1984 as a
column in the aforementioned lesbian magazine about sex toys. Other
columns include being attracted to straight women, group sex parties,
tribadism (rubbing against another person), fist-fucking, lesbian erotic
fiction, piercing, visits to the lesbian scene in several cities, and her
sex drive while pregnant. It may have been written for a lesbian audience,
but anyone interested in women's sex lives, no matter their orientation,
will find this fascinating.
Susie
Bright's Sexual Reality: A Virtual Sex World Reader, 1992. Yeah,
the title sounds a lot lamer now than it did in 1992, but still, a book
with a "Story of O" birthday party, the history of dildo manufacture,
sexual fantasies, a tea party with naked men serving clothed women, the
nature of masculinity, phone/computer sex, men liking lesbians, more on
pregnant sex, her experiences doing lecture on sex during her first book
tour (including an appearance on Donahue), and bisexuality. How
could anyone resist it?
Susie
Bright's Sexwise, 1995. How to please women sexually, getting a
chance to have sex when raising a child alone, children's sex ed, comments
on Madonna's book Sex, Nicholson Baker's Vox
and The
Fermata, Jimi Hendrix's music, and Andrew Blake's porn movies,
what Dan Quayle would be like in bed, female power, and anti-porn
feminists. It's more about the media than previous books were, but it
doesn't lose its focus on how all these things come down to people's
sexual pleasure.
The
Sexual State of the Union, 1997. This one backs off a little from
the media analysis and gets back to the life of Everyperson. How children
(and college students) learn about sex; anti-sex forces such as AIDS,
homophobia, conservative "lust suppressors"; genderfuck, marriage, porn,
sex toys, and computers' influence on sex. Most of those topics sound
awfully serious, but the depressing topics are dealt with in a way that
makes you think but doesn't dwell on unpleasantness.
Mommy's
Little Girl: On Sex, Motherhood, Porn, and Cherry Pie, 2003. It's
nice to see that bringing up a daughter has not made Susie Bright back
down one bit from her outspokenness. (Though I can still sympathize with
her daughter for having trouble writing school essays on her mother's
job.) The book starts off with stories about the run-ins between sexual
information and kid flinching, but other essays include discussions of
what to do to have a lousy sex life, vibrator history, sex in
advertisements, nudism, Vargas pinups, how brick-and-mortar porn stores
affect women who visit them, what it takes to be a male porn actor
(without using Viagra), how she was the lesbian sex consultant for the
mainstream movie Bound -- and a recipe for cherry pie.
Nancy Friday
Nancy Friday's first three books collecting people's sexual fantasies were
pretty much the first stuff about sex pleasure (as opposed to "this is how
the egg gets fertilized") that I ever read. All of them combine many
contributors' words with Friday's exploration of the psychology behind it
all. I don't necessarily agree with her theories, but she did the world a
massive service in collecting these and making them something for
legitimate study, so that sexual fantasy wouldn't remain hidden.
My
Secret Garden, 1973. Read the other three. This is the first of
Friday's collections of fantasies (just women's), a ground-breaker that
made it clear to the world that it was normal for women to even
have sexual fantasies. Without it, the following three books
certainly never would have existed. However, for the person reading for
sexual purposes rather than historical ones, this book is a complete
downer. Almost all of the fantasies collected are permeated with a
frantic relief of "Oh-my-God-I-thought-I-was-the-only-one!" without any of
the joyous attitude toward sex and fantasy that the contributors to the
other books show.
Forbidden
Flowers, 1975. This second book Friday collected of women's
sexual fantasies has much less of a closeted feel in the stories the women
tell. As Friday notes, the women average nearly ten years younger (they
were mostly writing to Friday after the publication of the first book,
rather than being sought out in more discreet ways as was necessary the
first time around) and their stories are often more blatant. Both the
contributors and Friday herself talk about the influence the first book
had on American society, which is just as interesting as the fantasies
are, I think. But then I like reading about the history of things. I also
like the organization of this book: the first half focuses on the origin
of fantasies and the second on the circumstances in which they come to
mind. Perhaps the organization of my site was influenced by that of this
book.
Men
In Love, 1980. Friday's first compilation of men's sexual
fantasies was a peek behind the walls for me. (I suppose men feel the same
way about the other fantasy collections.) A lot of the fantasies don't
really feel any less familiar than the women's (though that may be because
I've read them all so many times). It's fascinating how similar the
general run of fantasies turned out to be once they're explained in
detail, and also the few chapters that explore things (fetishism,
transvestitism/transsexualism) that don't really show up in the women's
books.
Women
On Top, 1991. Back to women's fantasies, this time a generation
closer to mine. Friday talks about women like me who don't identify with
the secrecy of My Secret Garden. There are more women in control in
this book than the previous one, hence its title. There is more space
given to women with other women. (There's also the first "If I Had A
Penis" chapter in any of the women's fantasy books -- separate from the
lesbian section.) But it also talks about what kinds of things haven't
changed. These aren't just jerk-off books (though they work quite well for
it, and look less tacky to own than Letters to Penthouse Forum!)
Kathleen K.
Sweet
Talkers, 1994. Technically this is a book about a woman's
experience working on and helping run a phone-sex service in the late
1980s. And it does contain a lot of fascinating information about the
difficulties of advertising the service, getting reliable workers, dealing
with underage or hostile callers, and just being profitable. But at least
half of the book is quotation or re-creation of the calls themselves, the
men (and occasional women) who talk to "Jamie" and the massively hot words
she comes up with to give them the pleasure they called for. Wow.
John Preston
My
Life As A Pornographer & Other Indecent Acts, 1993. An essay &
speech collection from a lifelong porn writer, most famous for the "Mr.
Benson" gay BDSM stories, published seven years after he was diagnosed as
HIV-positive. These pieces talk about his writing (and the social
consequences of being a porn writer), what pornography has done for him as
a reader/watcher, the gay scenes of places and times he lived in, other
people's sex work, dealing with the reality of HIV, and even the eroticism
of different kinds of men's underwear. It's not as easy a read as many of
the other books I'm reviewing, but it's fascinating.
Carol Queen
Real
Live Nude Girl, 1997. Another book of essays, a bit like Susie
Bright's but even wilder. Queen talks about bisexuality, prostitution,
BDSM, peep shows, exhibitionism, group masturbation parties, pornography,
being a volunteer to teach medical students to give gynecological exams,
safe sex, sex toys, and butch women, all from her own experience. Whoa.
Tristan Taormino
True
Lust: Adventures in Sex, Porn, and Perversion, 2002. Another book
of essays, with an introduction that quotes the above John Preston book.
Taormino talks about working for On Our Backs, the lesbian
porn magazine actually made by lesbian women; states with laws against sex
toys; the Michigan Womyn's Music Festival; genderfuck and transexuality;
strippers; making the movie based on her book The
Ultimate Guide To Anal Sex for Women; female ejaculation; fisting
(vaginal and anal); various subdivisions of BDSM; and finishes the book
with a list of books and websites providing more information on the topic
of each essay.
A Hand In The Bush, 1997. This short little book, despite the
scary disclaimer at the beginning, generally takes a sensible yet
light-hearted attitude toward vaginal fisting. All you could want to know
about how to make multiple fingers/a whole hand go inside a cunt, and have
the owner of the cunt enjoy it (and presumably the owner of the hand as
well, or why bother?) without risking injury. Some of the book is general
female anatomy, but a lot more is very specific to this subject and
difficult to find in other sources. There's also some stories from other
women at the end and even an appendix on female ejaculation and fisting.
Susie Bright
She doesn't just write those fascinating essay
books -- here's some real how-to.
Full
Exposure: Opening Up To Your Sexual Creativity & Erotic
Expression, 1999. Sexual creativity. Erotic inspiration. "I'm
writing this book to reach out to every person who ever thought, 'There's
more to sex than anyone admits,'" Susie says. In a lot of ways, this book
is about acceptance. All the different reasons people don't accept sex in
its completeness, pointed out and argued against, for those who are
willing to be persuaded that they don't have to listen to the reasons for
non-acceptance. The final chapter's "Roll Your Own Erotic Manifesto" is
the only "these are things you should do" and even they are going to come
out differently for each person (like writing down every part of your
fantasy life -- I don't guess most people would end up with this web
site).
How
To Read/Write A Dirty Story, 2001. Well, there is really a lot
more about writing than reading -- the sections are: thinking about
erotica, reading it, writing it, editing it, publishing it, selling it,
doing it in your own sex life, and an appendix. So a person with
absolutely no interest in writing erotica/porn might not have any desire
for this book. And personally, I feel that more of the book focuses on
getting money for your writing than needs to be in a book with this title.
But that's probably because I'm not publishing my fantasies for money.
However, each section seems to do very well at helping you through doing
whatever that section is about. So it all depends on what you're looking
for.
Pat Califia
Sensuous
Magic, 1993. Basic BDSM for people who don't really see
themselves as into BDSM. "A Guide for Adventurous Lovers," as the page
between the table of contents and the start of chapter one says. There's
even a chapter called "Penetrating Insights: Vanilla Sex in an S/M
Context." A very nice general introductory book from a writer who knows
the subject and has done a lot of more in-depth stuff in the area. There
are lots of other BSDM books out there, but most of them focus a little
more on some particular practice or viewpoint, so this is the nicest,
non-scary start for the person who's not quite sure what they're into.
(Plus it includes some nice fiction vignettes to show a little more what
all this might feel like.)
Drew Campbell
The
Bride Wore Black Leather...and He Looked Fabulous: an Etiquette Guide For
The Rest Of Us, 2000. "I wrote this book for the same reason that
I have written all my other books: because no one else had," the author
opens his preface, and indeed this book covers situations you won't find
in Miss Manners: how to introduce one's gay lover to a boss or a family
member, how to address envelopes to Pagan clergy, how to make small talk
with a person who may just be cross-dressed for fun or may be
transitioning from one gender to another, and such "alternative lifestyle"
stuff. It's a great advice book, because even though all etiquette books
assure you that the point of etiquette is to get along with people, it
takes a lot of practice and knowledge for people in different social
circles with different ideas to get along. This book points out all the
things the reader might not have thought of without help. And some
subjects covered here (how much is it polite to say about one's ex-lover?)
are useful for just about anyone, too, regardless of the kind of people
they're dealing with.
Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt
The
Ethical Slut, 1997. A book about polyamory (responsible
non-monogamy) from two authors who have both written sex books under these
and other names. As the title indicates, the focus is on being a "slut"
(having multiple sex partners, in or out of a relationship context)
without deception of anyone involved, without hurting anyone, with
partners' consent. They aim at anyone, regardless of sexual orientation
or desired non-monogamy style, and try to give advice on how to do this
without, as mainstream monogamists assume must happen, wrecking romantic
relationships, friendships, and families in the process. It even includes
tips on dealing with health providers, government, landlords, and all the
little difficulties of living polyamorously in a monogamy-oriented world.
Carol Queen
Exhibitionism
For The Shy, 1995. A book from the former peep-show worker who
wrote Real Live Nude Girl, reviewed above. How to enjoy the erotic
power of showing off, through being heard, being seen, being aware of your
own sexy feelings, in fantasy or reality. It's also kind of an attempt to
redefine the word "exhibitionism" from the scary flasher in the trenchcoat
that lots of people think of when they hear the word, so that it implies
doing things with only people who've given their consent to be part of it.
So if you like dirty talk, role play, or other kinds of erotic showing
off, but aren't quite sure how to go about it, this is the book for you.
Dan Savage
Savage
Love, 1998. This is a collection of advice columns written by Dan
Savage, but not the sort that Dear Abby puts out -- Savage's columns
answer questions such as if it's normal for a woman's vaginal juices to
taste bitter or if you can get hemorrhoids from anal sex, as well as
relationship problems stemming from faking orgasms or going sober. And
his straight-to-the-point, no-holds-barred advice is also quite amusing;
not surprising from a gay man whose letters received start off with "Hey,
faggot." He also goes out and asks experts when something not familiar to
him comes up, so the questions about women are answered with as much
knowlege as those about men. He does have a few annoying quirks (like not
believing that anyone can be a permanent bisexual, as opposed to an
experimenting heterosexual or a not-really-admitting it homosexual), but
since the letters telling him when he's wrong are also included, all
viewpoints are usually covered.
Tristan Taormino
Pucker Up, 2001. A more general book from the author of The
Ultimate Guide To Anal Sex For Women and the current editor of
lesbian porn magazine On Our Backs -- a fun version of
high-school sex ed that's actually about sex rather than babies and
diseases. The anatomy of orgasms, erogenous zones outside the genitals,
talking with partners, safer sex, hand jobs and oral sex, sex toys, anal
sex, fantasy and role-playing, the kinds of pornography out there, and
types of kink. The perfect follow-up to the penis-goes-in-vagina level
basics, but interesting even for someone like me who's already read books
on so many specific sexual interests.
"Em & Lo" (Emma Taylor and Lorelei Sharkey)
Nerve's Guide to Sex Etiquette, 2004. This book by the advice
columnists for Nerve magazine
is a lot more mainstream than The Bride Wore Black Leather or
Savage Love; it's written in a fun Miss-Manners-y style with
statements like "A gentleman or lady will always steer their date around
broken glass, broken sidewalks, dog turds, and doodie in the pool." Only
unlike the rest of the stuff in the Etiquette section of the bookstore,
this actually talks about what to do when going in for a first kiss with a
new lover, what not to do after sex, one-night stands, swinging, sharing
sex toys, open relationships, breaking up, STDs, and many other topics --
all in the true spirit of etiquette, which is to make things go as
smoothly as possible for all parties concerned. Some of the ideas may seem
overly obvious, but it never hurts to have some reference where those
"unwritten rules" are stated; you or someone you know may need a basis for
discussion when people's different sets of unwritten rules conflict.
John Warren (aka "Mentor")
The
Loving Dominant, 1994. A detailed exploration of
Dominant/submissive sex practices. Although it necessarily includes
bondage, discipline, and pain-related stuff, the focus here is on the
power exchange stuff, and separating consensual real-life activities from
the cruelty and brutality that many (mostly non-BDSM-interested) people
see as part of domination and submission. This book is more aimed at an
audience who knows what turns them on (even if they may find it disturbing
when they're not turned on) instead of the less dedicated audience of
Sensuous Magic, above. Chapters explore the psychology that gets
people into D/s, dealing with consent, finding partners, actually doing
BDSM scenes with an atmosphere, toys, props, and activities, creating your
own settings and equipment, manners within BDSM groups, and even first-aid
for anything unexpected that could happen within a scene. For the person
desiring to get seriously into BDSM, this is a great start.
The
Male Nude, 1998. This is one of those two-and-a-half-inch thick
volumes that Taschen Publishing often comes out with; this particular one
is photographs of naked (or nearly so) men dating from 1854 to the
publication date. Everything from Eadward Muybridge's 1887 sequences of
photographs detailing a person's movements while walking, to beefcake
shots from "Bruce of Los Angeles" in the 1950s, to some of the same
photographers featured in Nerve
magazine in the past year or two. Only a few pages of text (in English,
German, and French) for each twenty-year period of photography. If you
find male bodies a pleasant sight, this is a book for you.
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